LOVE ANYWAY: THE 4 MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTERISTICS OF AN ETERNAL COMPANION - Updated

Love Anyway - Updated

I'm discovering that there are four characteristics in a partner that are truly more important than they all.

You see, I think too many of us get in the rut of thinking that we just need to find someone "good enough," (that they're basically perfect) and if we do, then we'll have a happy relationship/marriage and our spouse will never hurt us. If we're never hurt by them then obviously we won't have an icky divorce and we'll have a happy family. Trauma will be over and heartache a forgotten thing. We want to look over and see someone so good that we never question if we made the right choice. So perfect (or mostly perfect) it is!

Here's the issue. I've never met someone perfect. I've never met someone who has lost the ability to fall. We all have great weaknesses and the propensity to hurt others, sin, sin, and sin some more. Everyone can cheat on a spouse, everyone can get lost in drugs or pornography, everyone can become a dragging cloud of depression, or stop choosing to love.

And it's okay. Jesus Christ didn't die to brush up the crumbs of sin leftover from our mostly perfect lives. Jesus Christ died to perfect our un-perfectible lives. He and He alone constitutes salvation. If He did not have the power to actually change us, to truly make us new creatures in Christ, all would be lost. To only have the power to forgive us of our sins could never have been enough. If He is God then He MUST have the power to fundamentally alter us. How else could He promise us that we can become like Him?

Here's characteristic #1:

They can admit their faults and sincerely seek to overcome them through Christ. 

This is number one because this is the foundation of personal salvation which precipitates celestial marriage. Celestial marriage is about two individuals going to heaven together. You will not get very far without two partners, anxiously engaged in their own salvation. This is the sign that with or without you, they plan on making it home. As far as you can predict, they will work out their own salvation.

A warning here. Obedience to God's word isn't necessarily a sign of this trait. Sometimes, people are very obedient because they are afraid of being shamed, feeling bad about themselves, or failing to maintain appearances. Their obedience is not rooted in a relationship with Christ and they often do not even understand the doctrines of Jesus Christ. The most "obedient" people in Jesus' day were the Pharisees who received only rebukes from Christ.

Characteristic #2:

They Have the Ability to Honor Your Boundaries and Communicate Their Own

Boundaries are one of the principal foundations of a healthy relationship. But what is a boundary, let alone a healthy one? Boundaries are formed when one or both members of a relationship create a clear standard of how they expect to be treated in a relationship.

The forming of boundaries requires the ability to communicate clearly. Often people assume the other person has similar expectations for boundaries in a relationship. These people are frequently disappointed when unspoken boundaries are broken. It is important to understand that there is a vast difference between a person who breaks unspoken or poorly communicated boundaries, and someone who breaks boundaries that are clearly communicated and understood. I think this is one reason why many say that communication is the foundation of a good relationship. A lot of hurt and heartache comes to those who cannot even voice what they need and want. Many of these relationships fail, even when both parties would be happy to honor each other's boundaries if they simply understood them. These relationships can be saved if both parties are willing to learn how to be effective in their communication, clearly identify what they need, and establish healthy boundaries. Depending on the importance of a boundary, it is also okay to give your partner grace as they make changes and break old habits necessary to allow them to honor your boundaries.

Boundaries surrounding abusive behavior should not be broken, and those who struggle to honor those boundaries must be willing to let relationships end or at least be paused while they learn to overcome those tendencies. You should also be willing to walk away from someone who frequently violates your clearly communicated boundaries; this, in itself, is the honoring of your own boundaries. For anyone struggling with a toxic relationship, I suggest the book "How To Hug A Porcupine" by Dr. John L. Lund.

The relationships that cannot and should not be saved are those where one or both parties are simply unwilling to acknowledge and/or honor the other's boundaries. Relationships can be saved if the issue is a lack of knowledge or skills, but they cannot be saved if there is a lack of willingness. This hurdle simply can't be overcome. Be willing to let these people go.

There are those in a relationship where their partner is willing to change and work on themselves so that they can honor boundaries. These people need to exercise wisdom in choosing to stay or leave. Sometimes, with a little love and patience, people can become someone worth being with. Sometimes, even if they are willing to change--and working on change--the degree to which they break your boundaries may still be too frequent and/or severe for you to be healthy and you will need to leave.  This is a difficult question, but one that requires wisdom and can only be answered by you.

Ideally, you would date only those who are already practiced and capable of honoring enough of your boundaries that trust can not only be maintained but also flourish. I recommend only these people.

Remember, the formula for healthy boundaries in relationships is this:

1) They are reasonable.

Be careful that your boundaries are genuine and needed. Sometimes people establish boundaries for the purpose of manipulation. These aren't reasonable boundaries and therefore aren't healthy boundaries--they are meant for control.

2) They represent your needs and emotions.

Emotional boundaries are difficult simply because they require you to learn about yourself and your emotions. An example of an emotional boundary would be choosing to only kiss someone if you feel emotionally ready. Don't let expectations or fear lead you to do something you're not emotionally ready for. It is appropriate to set temporary boundaries simply to honor your emotions.

3) They are strong and have consequences

Honestly, if you break personal boundaries, you don't give your partner the belief that they shouldn't break them either. If broken boundaries don't have consequences, they really don't mean anything. Learn the discipline to maintain your own boundaries and the boundaries of others. Be willing to enforce reasonable consequences when those around you choose to violate them.

Characteristic #3

When they see your brokenness they choose to love you, anyways.

The most powerful lesson I've ever learned is how to choose to love someone, anyways. It means looking beyond their broken childhood, it means looking beyond their immediate past. It means looking beyond the things they did yesterday and seeing who they have become and who they are becoming. It's nearly synonymous with unconditional love, except that loving anyway doesn't mean you're never bothered by their faults, just that you're determined to move past them. It means loving them anyway.

It's much like the love Heavenly Father has for us. Our imperfections are the reason Jesus Christ had to die for us. The fact that Heavenly Father let His most beloved Son be sacrificed for us is a clear sign that He chooses to love us despite our brokenness, or perhaps even because of it. If we are to not only be saved but be exalted like He is, then we must learn to love anyway. This wonderful characteristic is magnified and ennobled in marriage. There, it is constantly tried and refined and enlarged.

Salvation can be had alone, but exaltation is a family affair. Familial success cannot exist if we do not learn to love our (future) spouse and children, anyway.

I in no way advocate that we overlook red-flags that may indicate abusiveness or ignore signs that an individual does not have characteristics #1 and #2. If they do not intend to grow in Christ, do not try to grow with them in marriage. This also doesn't mean ignoring signs that you wouldn't be "equally yoked" (2 Corinthians 6:14). Marriage must surely be easier when you can walk together in unity and strength, not dragging someone else behind.

What this does mean is that when someone you love has repented, been forgiven, and changed by Christ—leave it alone! To dig up a forgiven man or woman's past is a despicable act. As Elder Holland put it:

"That is not good. It is not Christian. It stands in terrible opposition to the grandeur and majesty of the Atonement of Christ. To be tied to earlier mistakes—our own or other people’s—is the worst kind of wallowing in the past from which we are called to cease and desist...

"... Such dwelling on past lives, including past mistakes, is just not right! It is not the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is worse than Miniver Cheevy, and in some ways worse than Lot’s wife, because at least there he and she were only destroying themselves. In these cases of marriage and family and wards and apartments and neighborhoods, we can end up destroying so many, many others." (Remember Lot's Wife).

Hurt and be hurt. Love anyway. Choose courage. Expect difficult times in life, romance, and family. Then love anyway! And expect to be loved in return. This form of unconditional love may be the most enriching of human experiences.

Characteristic #4

They Choose You

When choosing a spouse, if you've found the three golden qualities above, this fourth characteristic becomes the finishing touch for marital happiness.

First, I want to talk about Steven Covey's philosophy: "Win-Win, or no deal." In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Covey posits the Win-win method of negotiation. It's just what it sounds like. When making a deal, you should seek for both parties to feel like they're coming away with a big win! But more importantly, you should have the courage to walk away from the deal if it's loss-loss or if only one party feels like they're winning. Win-win or no deal.

It's easy to walk away from a relationship when it doesn't feel like it's a win. But what about when it feels like a giant win for us; yet, clearly she (or he) doesn't feel like it's a win for them? We're hurt. We feel somehow betrayed. Sometimes we convince ourselves we must not be worthy of love. We ask why and spend nights crying our eyes out. In the end, only one explanation matters. They didn't think that the relationship was the "big win" they've been searching for. If they won't choose you, then it was always destined to be "no deal" and they were never The One for you. To accept this brings an incredible dose of peace and freedom to dating and makes it ever the more exhilarating when you do finally find someone who chooses you.

Besides, there isn't anything more attractive than being chosen. Don't rob yourself of the chance to have this. So chose your love, love your choice, and never give up the chance to be chosen.

Onward and Upward,

Aaron Bateman