Come on, Come on, You Have Got to Move On

Dear The One,

So there I was, headphones in my ear, blasting music my most recent girlfriend loved, standing in a grocery store, staring at the Gerber baby food. Languish enveloped me as my heart yearned for that girl, and a stupid, irrational wish to one day be feeding her babies--and my babies--that food in front me. Well, not the precise packages in front of me. Likely they'd be expired by the time the first baby came, but you get my thought.

It was one of those moments when hindsight focusses into 20/20 precision. The classic moment when you realize--stunned--that you didn't appreciate what you had until it was gone.

I want to cuss out loud right not, but I know she wouldn't like that. Probably she'd give me a dirty look. How is it? How does knowing her reaction keep me from it? I won't be receiving it ever again.

I let myself fall too quickly, too fast, too unreasonably in love. I was so angry at God and the universe after the first time I broke up with her, and I realized just how much I really wanted this girl in my life. I felt similarly after the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th times we broke up. Haha, it was like we really couldn't not be together, like emotional elastic entwined us, and we'd crash back together at the hint of parting ways.

That may be the most painful part, that I now feel the severance in our connection. I say "in" not "of" our connection because the connection seems not to have died in me, but the wound within it assures it's death. I mourn that death; the pain strips me of the life our love had begotten.

I sound really melodramatic, don't I?

It's just that I've been pondering over what happened endlessly, and I've been trying to understand her and what she did in response to what I did. My conclusion is simply this: she was extraordinarily loving, patient, kind, supportive, and good. How could I not see any of this while she was in my life? She was all those things, and to a level I've never obtained--naturally, automatically, with ease. I was a blessed man, and she got the short end of the stick.

Now, I doubt this is anything that you want to be hearing, and neither is it anything I want to be sharing, but when it is time for our paths to collide, my hope is that I won't under appreciate you. That if I do, you will make sure I know it, and that I will be a man that you can also find something of value in.

Onward and Upward,

Aaron Pennam