A Failure Indeed

Dear The One,

They say I have command, presence, charisma.

Seriously, I took a psychological analysis.

I got a guy to pledge $20,000 to a business idea I had before I was sure I even wanted it. I made him believe I wanted it so strongly that my passion (and good talking points) convinced him to reach that deeply into his pockets.

I’m thankful I told him no. Only after I finally realized something. He believed it because I believed it. It wasn’t until much later that I understood that I wasn’t even as confident as I had felt. That my power to pursue destiny was weaker than I’d believed.

You see, I don’t have command because I pretend. I have command because I can present pure, raw passion and confidence. I can have pure, raw passion and confidence because I can hide from all my doubts. I put them in a place that not even I see. I do it so spontaneously that I don’t even know it myself until finally, they become strong enough to get out. It’s a scary moment when I realize that I have wrongly led people down a path that I don’t yet have the courage to follow.

Courage, ultimately, is the thing I lack. It’s not courageous to have confidence based on evidence. Michael Jordan knew he was a basketball player. Michael Jackson understood that he was the king of pop. They were confident. They succeeded.

Abraham Lincoln failed many times but had the courage to try again. He could have hardly had confidence when the war kept going the South’s way. George Washington couldn’t have had much confidence that his little band could win as they froze in Valley Forge. These men didn’t become the powerful leaders they were on confidence alone. They could have hardly had any. They did it because they had the courage to see and pursue something that everything told them they couldn’t have, and if they couldn’t have, would lead to their entire destruction. Imagine George Washington realizing what the British would do to him if he lost the impossible war; yet no matter what, he soldiered on. Abraham Lincoln didn't give in. He turned to God, and faith led him and the North to victory. Goerge Washington didn't win with military brilliance. He won because a storm came out of nowhere to stop the British's final attempt to retreat, keeping them on the island where George Washington defeated them. Washington and Lincoln won by the providence of God. It was something confidence could never have afforded them. Only courage, and faith in something higher.

It’s the confidence I have and the courage that I seek. I don’t have courage. In real life, and in real battles I have the tendency to give up and find a new fight, one that I can win. That’s not the courageous thing to do, it’s the thing you do when you only succeed on false doses of confidence.

And false doses of confidence are how I’ve been living my life.

By the Grace of God, maybe one day I’ll become complete, but it certainly won’t be until I can find somewhere that courage I need to actually be more than a facade.

This is one I cant have your help with. For this one must come from me.

Onward and Upward,

Aaron Pennam